NEW YORK, MONDAY, 4:31 PM — Journalists are hysterical over krokodil, the new designer drug that is being abused by Rupert Murdoch’s employees and scaring the sanity out of reporters everywhere. One alleged journalist spoke to us confidentially, saying, “It’s perfect. There’s nothing else to write about. And this story gives you a serious buzz. No one read my last article, about the dog that saved a pet hamster by swimming underwater. But people injecting gasoline, and flesh falling from human limbs in time for Halloween, man, people love that. “Flesh-eating krokodil”. See? That’s a what’s-it-called. Anyway, I can come up with this stuff constantly. I just make it all up as I go.” The alleged journalist then looked nervous and shouted, “I am a golden god!” before spinning around at high speed in an office chair.
Journalists may have something more to fear than the truth, however, as several DEA spokespersons have admitted the agency believes journalists are actually getting high on the krokodil story itself, exhibiting disorientation and delusion. However, one spokesperson added, “It could be Rupert Murdoch is just playing another one of his famous pranks. Like when he tapped the dead girl’s phone. For Halloween.”
DEA has been monitoring krokodil story abuse on alleged news sites like FoxNews.com, DailyMail.co.uk and CNN.com. They are not confining their investigation to the Murdoch cartel. The agency says it is now “very concerned” about reports of reports about krokodil that show telltale signs of krokodil story hysteria. “Journalists are getting high on their own product, basically,” said a confidential DEA informant who works in the mail room of a major newspaper in Chicago that rhymes with noon.
The DEA is officially charged with enforcing drug prohibition in the United States and where ever else it feels like, but spends most of its time shooting civilians in developing nations, seizing the assets of everyone it arrests for a drug crime, spending the money it seized from everyone it arrested for a drug crime, lobbying Congress for more funding, and trying to convince the world that drug users are terrorists.
The DEA now has plans to send its sanest operatives to calm the krokodil fever. The agency primarily intends to use make-believe and hand puppets to deflect media criticism of itself. A DEA agent who believed he was off-record explained, “We had to draw a line when they started trying to embarrass DEA, suggesting it was our job to do something about some sick terrorist junkies.” When asked why hand puppets would be used in addition to the regular practice of employing make-believe in such operations, the agent said, “These reporters who are high on krokodil stories are basically like the kids in high school you would sell Aspirin to instead of LSD, and then you’d watch them act like they were tripping out. They are extremely suggestible.”
DEA PR flacks explained today that the hand puppets are necessary to show intoxicated journalists the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior–but not when it comes to their drug story abuse itself. An angry man wearing a jacket with the letters DEA printed on the back explained, “It’s not about them, it’s about us. Because we don’t care about a bunch of journalists getting high on a story about a drug they don’t understand. And we definitely don’t care about a few junky terrorists who are injecting gasoline soaked heroin, or crocodile, or whatever you call it. Our job is to protect DEA, not the public. For example, these sock puppets cost $92 a pair, which is a significant savings over our last operational purchase. Our budget is very important to us. It’s one of the things we’re working hard to protect. That and America.”
Early preview access to the hand puppet presentation indicates that appropriate DEA behavior is defined as robbing drug dealers at gunpoint and spending the stolen money on toys and military equipment, including more guns that fire larger caliber bullets, which allows agents to simulate Grand Theft Auto style video game violence in the real world. Inappropriate DEA behavior is defined as having anything to do with public health or drug treatment, which has been called “helping terrorists” by the agency.
The current DEA operation follows last week’s daring daylight raid by a news crew on a single beleaguered agent in a DEA parking lot. The agent was overheard shouting while fleeing from reporters, “That’s not our job. We just shoot people and take their money.” When finally cornered, the agent attempted to placate the throng of desperate journalists, all showing visible signs of krokodil story withdrawal. He whimpered, “If krokodil exists, and I’m not saying it does, then the ones using it are the terrorists. Because they’re terrorizing Americans with those disgusting skin lesions on their faces or whatever the hell those things are, and also they’re trying to embarrass a federal agency. And embarrassing a federal agency is a federal crime. And they’re antisocial and violent. Only a violent person would do that to themselves.” Satiated with quotes to fill column space, the journalists began to nod off and the unidentified agent drove away at high speed in a black Cadillac Escalade with 22 inch rims.
For now, frantic and confused journalists are seeking their next fix in a search for photographs of facial skin necrosis, which many agree would be an improvement over shots of gangrenous arms.
That was not journalism. And neither is this.