DEA Investigates Journalists For Krokodil Abuse

Krokodil Tears

NEW YORK, MONDAY, 4:31 PM — Journalists are hysterical over krokodil, the new designer drug that is being abused by Rupert Murdoch’s employees and scaring the sanity out of reporters everywhere. One alleged journalist spoke to us confidentially, saying, “It’s perfect. There’s nothing else to write about. And this story gives you a serious buzz. No one read my last article, about the dog that saved a pet hamster by swimming underwater. But people injecting gasoline, and flesh falling from human limbs in time for Halloween, man, people love that. “Flesh-eating krokodil”. See? That’s a what’s-it-called. Anyway, I can come up with this stuff constantly. I just make it all up as I go.” The alleged journalist then looked nervous and shouted, “I am a golden god!” before spinning around at high speed in an office chair.

Journalists may have something more to fear than the truth, however, as several DEA spokespersons have admitted the agency believes journalists are actually getting high on the krokodil story itself, exhibiting disorientation and delusion. However, one spokesperson added, “It could be Rupert Murdoch is just playing another one of his famous pranks. Like when he tapped the dead girl’s phone. For Halloween.”

DEA has been monitoring krokodil story abuse on alleged news sites like FoxNews.com, DailyMail.co.uk and CNN.com. They are not confining their investigation to the Murdoch cartel. The agency says it is now “very concerned” about reports of reports about krokodil that show telltale signs of krokodil story hysteria. “Journalists are getting high on their own product, basically,” said a confidential DEA informant who works in the mail room of a major newspaper in Chicago that rhymes with noon.

The DEA is officially charged with enforcing drug prohibition in the United States and where ever else it feels like, but spends most of its time shooting civilians in developing nations, seizing the assets of everyone it arrests for a drug crime, spending the money it seized from everyone it arrested for a drug crime, lobbying Congress for more funding, and trying to convince the world that drug users are terrorists.

The DEA now has plans to send its sanest operatives to calm the krokodil fever. The agency primarily intends to use make-believe and hand puppets to deflect media criticism of itself. A DEA agent who believed he was off-record explained, “We had to draw a line when they started trying to embarrass DEA, suggesting it was our job to do something about some sick terrorist junkies.” When asked why hand puppets would be used in addition to the regular practice of employing make-believe in such operations, the agent said, “These reporters who are high on krokodil stories are basically like the kids in high school you would sell Aspirin to instead of LSD, and then you’d watch them act like they were tripping out. They are extremely suggestible.”

DEA PR flacks explained today that the hand puppets are necessary to show intoxicated journalists the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior–but not when it comes to their drug story abuse itself. An angry man wearing a jacket with the letters DEA printed on the back explained, “It’s not about them, it’s about us. Because we don’t care about a bunch of journalists getting high on a story about a drug they don’t understand. And we definitely don’t care about a few junky terrorists who are injecting gasoline soaked heroin, or crocodile, or whatever you call it. Our job is to protect DEA, not the public. For example, these sock puppets cost $92 a pair, which is a significant savings over our last operational purchase. Our budget is very important to us. It’s one of the things we’re working hard to protect. That and America.”

Early preview access to the hand puppet presentation indicates that appropriate DEA behavior is defined as robbing drug dealers at gunpoint and spending the stolen money on toys and military equipment, including more guns that fire larger caliber bullets, which allows agents to simulate Grand Theft Auto style video game violence in the real world. Inappropriate DEA behavior is defined as having anything to do with public health or drug treatment, which has been called “helping terrorists” by the agency.

A prototype DEA puppet,  for operational use against journalists in the "Crocodile War"

Prototype DEA puppet, for operational use against journalists in the “Crocodile War”

The current DEA operation follows last week’s daring daylight raid by a news crew on a single beleaguered agent in a DEA parking lot. The agent was overheard shouting while fleeing from reporters, “That’s not our job. We just shoot people and take their money.” When finally cornered, the agent attempted to placate the throng of desperate journalists, all showing visible signs of krokodil story withdrawal. He whimpered, “If krokodil exists, and I’m not saying it does, then the ones using it are the terrorists. Because they’re terrorizing Americans with those disgusting skin lesions on their faces or whatever the hell those things are, and also they’re trying to embarrass a federal agency. And embarrassing a federal agency is a federal crime. And they’re antisocial and violent. Only a violent person would do that to themselves.” Satiated with quotes to fill column space, the journalists began to nod off and the unidentified agent drove away at high speed in a black Cadillac Escalade with 22 inch rims.

For now, frantic and confused journalists are seeking their next fix in a search for photographs of facial skin necrosis, which many agree would be an improvement over shots of gangrenous arms.

UPDATE: Facial skin necrosis images have been tracked down by pretend-journalists at the Daily Mail, who have developed a serious krokodil story habit

That was not journalism. And neither is this.

Interview: Thomas De Quincey on Krokodil, Famous Author Has Sympathy For Victims

Thomas De Quincy invented drug confessional literature, but he would like the imitations to stop.

Thomas De Quincy invented the drug confessional, but would like the imitations to stop.

Junkphilosophy.com has scored an interview with Thomas De Quincey, the literary founder of modern drug culture.

Today we’ll ask him about his thoughts on krokodil. Krokodil is the media’s new darling drug. It’s a disaster in home cooking—a poorly made, gasoline and lighter fluid tainted version of desomorphine that the sensationalist press thinks is some kind of new invention. Made in home kitchens by desperate junkies in Russia, krokodil is now frightening junkies in more civilised countries whose previous fears mostly centered on being imprisoned for the rest of their lives for trying to feel good; to feel the way other people feel every day and take for granted. The media doesn’t see the irony that as a product of desperation, kitchen chemistry, and the absence of junky access to necessary medication, krokodil is simply yet another consequence of drug prohibition; no more and no less so than was the HIV epidemic in Britain after the banning of needle exchanges.

JUNKPHILOSOPHY:  Thomas De Quincey, it’s an honor to speak with the man who single-handedly invented modern drug culture. How are you?

THOMAS DE QUINCEY: In the phrase of ladies in the straw, ‘as well as can be expected.’

JP: What are your thoughts on the media’s new drug craze: krokodil?

TDQ: Often did this hideous reptile haunt my dreams.

JP: Your work has been heavily influenced by dreams and has, in turn, influenced psychoanalysis. How does krokodil haunt you?

TDQ: Many times the very same dream was broken up in the very same way: I heard gentle voices speaking to me (I hear everything when I am sleeping); and instantly I awoke: it was broad noon; and my children were standing, hand in hand, at my bed-side; come to show me their coloured shoes…

JP: Do you have personal experience with krokodil?

TDQ: The cursed crocodile became to me the object of more horror than almost all the rest.

JP: Well, krokodil certainly makes your laudanum habit seem harmless by comparison. But getting back to…

TDQ: I was compelled to live with him… for centuries. I escaped sometimes, and found myself in Chinese houses, with cane tables, etc. All the feet of the tables, sofas, etc. soon became instinct with life: the abominable head of the crocodile, and his leering eyes, looked out at me, multiplied into a thousand repetitions: and I stood loathing and fascinated.

Crocodile

JP: I’d like to take us out of dreams and back to reality for a minute. (This isn’t the Daily Mail, after all.) Krokodil is made from bad internet recipes in home kitchens and supposedly contains gasoline, red phosphorus and possibly lighter fluid. Apparently, none of the big-time bootleggers are making it in their labs. If they were, I suppose this wouldn’t be a story because they’d make it at least to the pharmaceutical standard of not immediately causing their customers’ deaths. With that in mind, why do you think anyone would use krokodil?

TDQ: How came any reasonable being to subject himself to such a yoke of misery, voluntarily to incur a captivity so servile, and knowingly fetter himself with such a seven-fold chain?

JP: Yeah.

TDQ: Infirmity and misery do not, of necessity, imply guilt. I protest that so awful was the transition from the damned crocodile, and the other unutterable monsters and abortions… to the sight of innocent human natures and of infancy, that, in the mighty and sudden revulsion of mind, I wept, and could not forbear it, as I kissed their faces.

JP: I’m glad to see some sympathy shown for the people who used krokodil. Especially by a person in your position: a philosopher, man of letters and celebrity. Because I think you’re about the only one, celebrity or not, who is showing any sympathy.

TDQ: I am terrified by the modes of life, by the manners, and the barrier of utter abhorrence, and want of sympathy, placed between us by feelings deeper than I can analyze.

JP: Well said. Finally, on the challenge to prohibition that krokodil raises. Should this be a lesson that society must accept realities about the consequences of Prohibition? Heroin assisted treatment has proven successful in England, Switzerland, The Netherlands, Germany, etc. while Prohibition has proven a failure for a century, arguably causing more misery and death than prohibited drugs. Do you think that krokodil is a by-product of Prohibition itself? That the forces of prohibition—that they are the ones mainly responsible for—

TDQ: The main agents.

JP: Exactly.

TDQ: It may be observed, generally, that wherever two thoughts stand related to each other by a law of antagonism and exist, as it were, by mutual repulsion, they are apt to suggest each other.

JP: So, your take on prohibitionists?

TDQ: I could sooner live with lunatics, or brute animals.

JP: Thanks for speaking with us. It’s been a dream.

TDQ: I thank you.

Child Riding the Krokodil

Child on Krokodil

Krokodil Hunters Blame Flesh Eating Horse for Drug War Miseries

Steve Irwin was killed by a sting ray. Not a crocodile.

Steve Irwin was killed by a sting ray. Not a crocodile.

Krokodil, the prohibition-era (i.e. present day) moonshine version of desomorphine (dihydrodesoxymorphine, trade name Permonid) that, according to legend, was previously made strictly for self-use in the kitchens of suicidal Siberian smack addicts, took almost a decade to make it to Moscow (supposedly), and has finally made it to America (maybe). That is, if you can believe the hysterical American media, eager as ever to find an easy monster to frighten-for-cash those millions of gullible saps, all at the expense of a few seriously ill junkies. That’s also if you can disbelieve the DEA, which you already do, unless you’re unfamiliar with their interdiction statistics. DEA says krokodil’s existence in the U.S. is unconfirmed, despite all the hysterical reportage and ridiculous YouTube videos. The media has responded with total confusion, since they don’t quite comprehend that the DEA doesn’t exist to protect anyone’s health and also doesn’t like looking stupid, which the media doesn’t seem to mind.

In Illinois, a few hospitalized users who media are claiming were riding the Russian crocodile say they thought they were buying heroin, and unlike heroin, this stuff made them really sick. DEA is right that it could just be contaminated horse, which, while safe as houses when properly manufactured in a lab, isn’t so safe when it’s made in a hut by prohibition-era (i.e. present day) gangsters and sold by unscrupulous capitalists who cut it down further with whatever’s at hand in the kitchen.

Now, let’s say it was krokodil. Who would put such garbage into their body? Ask the fat idiot next to you at McDonald’s. Then take, for example, a Russian girl in Siberia who bought a bunch of codeine pills at the grocery store and then pretended she was a professional chemist with a pharmaceutical lab instead of a low paid laborer with a dirty kitchen. To her, making krokodil is an act of desperation in the face of poverty and Prohibition. Because if she had access to a decent maintenance program or a supply of safe opiates, I find it very hard to believe she’d make toxic moonshine and inject it into her vein. Sure, the sane thing she could have done was to have used cold water filtration on the codeine to rid it of harmful paracetamol (Tylenol) and just take a substantial dose of codeine to relieve her withdrawal and misery. So, if she really thought the simplicity of a pitcher of cold water wasn’t an option and proceeded directly to advanced kitchen chemistry, then she must have a serious habit, and be in serious need of help—which probably still hasn’t turned up, even if she’s since been hospitalized and photographed for the cover of the local newspaper and is now despised as a krokodil freak.

It’s really the same old story, and America could teach the world a thing or two about the subject if it would bother to learn the lesson itself. Alcohol prohibition in the U.S. led to poisoning, blindness, death, murder and gang wars, just to name a few of its side effects. The government just has a slight problem admitting wrongdoing. Bad habit. It’s currently in denial.

You’d expect the media, at least, to realize that there’s something here a lot more frightening than the drugs themselves; that is, the actual cause of these miseries. They probably do. It’s just that the truth doesn’t sell advertising packages. So don’t count on the media, or anyone else trying to make money in the process, to tell you that the War on Drugs is the real monster. Just be frightened. Because flesh-eating crocodile and contaminated horse pales in comparison.

Child Riding the Krokodil

Child on Crocodile

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