Valium Blues

Never ever ever never pick it up. Let ring. Avoid contact. Don’t go outside without protection. valleyPractice safe interactions. There are people with intentions. I was fine yesterday before I woke up today. The phone rang. The adrenaline surged. The lorazepam is in the other room, and I’d have to crawl. I used to be fine. Then a bad man gave me Ativan. Children should never trust doctors who offer them prescriptions.

You haven’t really died inside until you’ve experienced benzodiazepine withdrawal. Just line the pills up like a sequence of self-destruct buttons to kindle your central nervous system before the bomb hits. It takes more than a few months to really destroy your GABA receptors. Go slowly. Relax and enjoy. It’s nice to feel calm. Take them and take them. Take them with alcohol and methadone. Who cares? They’re peaceful and good for you. Take them and take them some more.

Now stop. Good idea.

Until something jerks you awake into a world of walls and razor blades and draped windows backlit by the sun of a peaceful, post-apocalyptic afternoon. You shake and your heart pounds and those people on the other side of the wall can hear the palpitations of your heart. They’re listening at me through the walls, but that’s not a problem because I feel like I’m someone else watching myself and it’s hard to know for sure who you are. One thing is clear, the world is in collapse and there’s one way out, and that is to hurry up and die before I and you have a seizure.

arrowsGo slowly. Shave off another 10% and be unable to go outside for a week. It’s a serious, physical withdrawal, not just a sense of anxiety. You seem like you’re crazy when you shake in public and your jaw clenches and your muscles tighten and your vocal cords are so tense your voice cracks with what sounds to everyone else like fear. Maybe it is. Gives people a bad impression. What am I supposed to say? I’m just going through benzo withdrawal, so don’t mind me? Try to smile and say, I never had anxiety until I got on anti-anxiety drugs? Wear a t-shirt that says I’d rather be going through heroin withdrawal? Because I would, really.

How to quit benzos: use the Ashton Manual. Seeing as the doctors who prescribe these drugs usually don’t have a clue about the withdrawal, you had better print out parts of this and bring it to them.

This is not medical advice. I am not a doctor. Do not do anything I say, ever.

neverpickitup

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